One of the challenges of midlife dating (esp. after the breakdown of a dysfunctional marriage) is maintaining a sense that you are valuable and worthy of a good relationship in which you are treated well. (Another is figuring out what, exactly, a "good relationship" entails since chances are you have not previously experienced it.) There is a terrible fear of making the same mistakes over and over again, of choosing the "wrong people," or even of being "unlovable." When things go wrong there's a temptation to blame yourself for "screwing up again" and daring to trust and care about someone, only to have your heart broken again. You feel like you are broken, and wonder if that brokenness if irreparable.I'm resisting that sort of interpretation of past experiences, and instead trying to believe that I--and perhaps even the men involved--have done the best we can under the circumstances. Despite all the pain I have experienced, I am trying not to regret the relationships and my choice to let myself trust, care about, and even sometimes fall in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable, and see them instead as a learning experience. I have definitely learned something from each of these situations that I can take to new relationships.
I've already spent way more energy on this sort of thing than I should have. Right now, I'm supposed to be focusing on my writing this week in the precious few days before school starts again, instead of losing sleep over people who clearly don't care about me and my feelings. I wish that, like the men I know, I were able to compartmentalize and focus on my work when I am feeling emotional, but it's just not in my "skill set." The best I can do is set my intentions and steer myself back on course. I'm sure I'll be just fine.
I'm glad I stumbled across your blog today. I've been there; I feel all of your words. I was married for 9 years to a man I later discovered had been unfaithful for the majority of that time. We did not have any kids, something I'm grateful for now. Thankfully, nearly 3 years later, I am very happily newly married again...and so very blessed. I always said that I didn't feel my past marriage was a mistake on the premise that, at the time, we both fully believed it was God's leading; nonetheless, we are all victims of free will. I can see now that my ex and I both made bad choices, and I have made significant changes in my approach to marriage this second time - with someone who's love for me is so obvious in action that I do sometimes question whether I was ever truly loved before. I pray the same for you... For God's love through someone else to chase your fears away. - Kindest Regards, Amanda
ReplyDeleteso nice to meet you, amanda! i'm glad you found me.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Likewise!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I wish I had a magic answer to give you but I don't. I guess we just haven't met the "right" guys yet.
ReplyDeleteJM
You will be just fine. You've got this. You are fine with or without a man. At the same time, I know exactly how you feel. When things are off in my relationship with HIM...it's all I can focus on.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Big hugs!
big hugs back! girlfriends rock! love to all.
ReplyDelete"The post-divorce heart." It is a particular form of organ I think. For some of us more than others. I wonder if it's because we had especially sensitive chambers even before divorcing? And more so, after?
ReplyDeleteI even know a man or two with a post-divorce heart not unlike a woman's.
I wish you better times. And I understand, all too well.