Whenever things seems to be going particularly un-well, I think we all find ourselves looking inward to see what might be happening there--either to see if somehow we are causing the problems, or to figure out how to deal with them.
A classic exercise is to make lists of your positives and negatives, and apparently I was instructed to do something like this on November 9, 1976, when I would have been in the first half of eighth grade at Possum Elementary school. In any case, today going through the battered manila envelope that constitutes my personal literary archives, ages roughly eight to twenty, I found a piece written in pencil, in my best-behavior script, entitled "Myself":
One of my faults is that I'm outspoken. I saw what I think, and sometimes I'm put down for it.
Another fault is that I'm lazy. I'm always trying to find the easy way out.
Another is that I'm sensitive. Almost anybody can put me down.
Another is that I'm smart-alecky to my parents sometimes. I talk back to them.
The last fault I will list is that I tease and bother my brothers all the time.
One of my assets is that I'm smart. I get straight "A's" without hardly working at all. I can pick almost anything up in my head.
Another is that I'm well-coordinated. I have a good sense of rhythm & timing. That's how I became a good cheerleader.
Another is that I have musical talent. I play the piano well & also the violin (not quite as good).
Another is that I'm fairly good-looking. I have clear skin & nice features & I'm not overweight. [in fact, I was pretty skinny]
The last asset I will mention is that I can write fairly well. I have written many poems & I do OK with prose.
Looking at myself, I guess I'm not all bad. Most of my faults I can work on. Maybe I'll become a better person someday.
Diagonally across the bottom of the page, my English teacher, Mrs. Carlson, wrote in a thin red script:
You have so many things going for you. Hang in there.
I think I did. I think I am--even when I'm cringeing with guilt for being too "outspoken," or my heart is breaking for the umpteenth time because I'm too "sensitive," or I'm overwhelmed with the un-done work that has backed up because I'm "lazy." And I think I'm still working on being that better person, but maybe I'm getting closer and closer.
EVERYONE has those same faults. There is good and bad in everyone. You must learn to be happy within. Know that life will never be something you can figure out nor will anyone else. Laugh at this crazy world and learn to laugh at yourself as well.
ReplyDeleteYOU are PERFECT just as you are...
I think most of us work and struggle constantly with being that better person. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to focus on the negatives when a case of the blahs hits (as I did a few days ago) but Mrs Carlson was right, you as well as the rest of us, have a lot of things going for us. Even a percieved negative, like being outspoken, can be a positive thing too.
ReplyDeleteFinding the easy way out is akin to taking the path of least resistence. That's like water. Very zen. Not a bad thing at all.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of when I was leafing through my grandmother's bible and found a prayer/note in her delicate script. She listed her faults, things she didn't like about her personality. It was the first time I remember thinking, "Wow, we ALL have those, don't we?"
ReplyDeleteAnd, we do. I know that's surprising... b/c most folks think I'm perfect. j/k! YUK YUK YUK! :-D
Wow... This is like reading the psalms of YOU! I hope you find time to write again, soon! I enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteWhy is it, that the negative seems to easy to focus on and the happiness is so hard to believe? Boggles my mind!
ReplyDelete