what you need, what you want

Lately I've been hearing this INXS classic in my head a lot as I think about relationships--I finally had to YouTube it.

What do I need? What do I want? Someone who "gets" me, who's totally into me, whom I'm totally into, too. Someone who has his own full life, but who also has some space for me, and who can work around the spaces I have for him. Eventually, I want a life partner, which for me ultimately means marriage, but I'm in no hurry--I can wait until it's really right.

As for right now? When two people have full lives, as midlife single parents do, they can't spend every spare moment together, even though in the first flush of bonding and infatuation, they might want to. They need to be with their families, of course (top priority); they need to attend to their work; they need to be with other friends; they need alone time to rest, reflect, pursue creative interests. As for their relationship--a phone call every few days--an encouraging email or text message from time to time, to let them know you're thinking about them or to lift their spirits when you know they're having a rough day. A date night once a week, schedules permitting. An occasional weekend away. Eventually, being part of family outings and activities with their partner's children. Separate lives, with some walks hand in hand, until it seems right to join their lives together. But no rush. All in good time.

I had something like that for awhile, and it gave me hope that I could have the kind of love I wanted for the long term. It buoyed me through some rough waters in other areas of my life. But then things got too "complicated" and this very cool, very caring, but very stressed man couldn't go on at the same pace as before. I worked on my own life and my heart and learned that I had placed too much pressure on the relationship to provide things that no romantic union could or should. That wasn't healthy, and it had to change. Based on the time we'd spent as a couple, I believed we both had the tools to heal together, and allow each other to heal separately, from the wounds and scars we'd collected from the past. I had no expectations, I let go, but I kept my heart open.

And then, after a few more ups and downs, he made it clear he didn't want to be with me. Because I was very attached to him, and I thought we had great potential together, it hurt a lot. I still miss those times and still don't understand why he didn't want to reconnect. But I know that it doesn't do any good to push something on someone that they don't want. That only drives them farther away and makes you feel even worse. And there are some things that you'll never understand; you just have to accept them.

So, although it is completely counter to my natural inclination (I can be a stubborn little thing), I'm letting go. I bless him on his journey and wish him well. I hope he finds what he's looking for. If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it means they will not be with you. If I say that enough times, maybe I will start to really feel it. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

What have I learned? First of all, that it is possible for two people to feel deeply for each other, to have so much in common and have their hearts and souls and bodies touch in a magical way, and for it not to work sometimes--and hard as it is, you have to just accept that and believe there is a reason that you just don't know yet and that something better is in store. I've also learned that a lot of the wonderfulness came from me: I can be a pretty awesome girlfriend if I put my mind to it. ;)

Life is short, life is hard, but life is also beautiful. For a little while, we were there for each other, listening and talking, laughing and singing (and sometimes crying), hugging and kissing and giving foot massages, sharing the ups and downs and enjoying our time together--that was beautiful indeed. I'm hoping to have that again in a lasting way. I believe I deserve it, and it will come to me sooner than later.

Here's another tune that fits right now--my new ringtone these days--"Wave," a lovely Jobim classic that happens to be one of my father's favorite songs ever.

So close your eyes for that's a lovely way to be
Aware of things your heart alone was meant to see
The fundamental loneliness goes whenever two can dream a dream together